"....in sickness and in health...."

This picture of me was taken by my 4 year old. I was unaware she was taking it. It is the first time she has ever taken a picture. It was really by chance that she captured the moment so accurately.

I was standing at the bedside of my husband, who is sick in bed. I was contemplating the future, which at the moment is very uncertain. I was considering my vows, taken almost 10 years ago, said to the Almighty in front of 300 witnesses. Will I stay faithful, loving and committed in sickness and in health? Not outwardly, but in my heart. That is what my King sees.

You see, Daniel's illness is chronic and it has been getting increasingly worse over the last 5 or 6 years. It is becoming desperate.

When I met him I was 19, he was 22 and we were university students at UCT. He was a bundle of busy energy. Holding down two jobs, very busy in campus ministry, while completing a very demanding post-graduate degree in finance. In spite of all this he still managed to sweep me off my feet, and we were married in less than a year of meeting each other. I have never regretted that for one second. I love him more now than I did then.

He has asthma, and when we were married he got sick once a year, in the middle of winter, with a chest infection. That was nothing, and I had grown up with a father who battled chronic asthma while still getting on with life, so I was not concerned.

But then in 2003 he developed chronic sinusitis, and started to get sick a lot more. And every time he got sick he got sicker, as he was being attacked by both sinus and chest bugs. Then from 2007 his gastric system decided to get in on the act. And since then he is down, about every 6 weeks, sometimes more, with horrendous sinus-chest-stomach issues. It leaves him completely debilitated, and me completely alone.

At the beginning it was ok. I would just switch off parts of myself while he was sick. I would get on with other things, outside of the home. But now, with two small children, I have to stay engaged. And I am finding it way too hard. Add to the fact that when he is sick the children get so insecure, more clingy, more demanding, more naughty. I just want to run away!

My days are reduced to desperate, chaotic struggles with 3 strong wills. My children's wills. And mine. I am fighting and fighting and fighting all day long. I am fighting their disobedience. I am fighting resentment and self pity in my own heart. Sometimes I don't have the strength to fight any more. Like yesterday when I was in a heap of tears on the bathroom floor. My kids came bouncing in. Then Kristin quickly led her brother out and closed the door behind her. Sometimes even they know when I have had enough.

When I was growing up we had a pool. Sometimes at the end of the rainy season the pool had to be cleaned, as a whole lot of dirt and leaves had settled at the bottom. I remember seeing the clear, seemingly clean water become all black and dirty as my dad started scraping the bottom of the pool. All the gunk down there would float up. Well, that is how my heart is in time of trial. I feel like all the ugliness, all the sin and self-seekingness that sits at the bottom of my heart in times of ease, when it is no problem for me to be thankful and nice, is turned up and pollutes my whole heart when I am tested. Suddenly I am all full of my rights. Suddenly life is utterly unfair and I am a victim. And my heart wants to pull away from God, the only source of all stability and help.

I find myself having to readdress the purpose of marriage. My love and respect for Daniel is not affected. I long to take it all away. He has the same passion, purpose and energy as when I met him. It is just halted at regular intervals by his physical body. As a result he gets so depressed. He hasn't changed, he has just been limited. But still I have to search my heart for why I got married. Did I get married to meet my needs and for my own fulfilment, or did I get married to give me another opportunity to be like Jesus by serving another self-sacrificially, without grumbling, without holding back? That is the question.

Christopher Ash, in his book 'Married for God' says: 'When we approach marriage expecting our needs to be met, we have not understood the real nature of love, and we are sowing the seeds of destruction in our marriages.' The bible is clear that marriage was made by God for His glory and honour, not for our personal fulfilment (although that is a wonderful by-product of a God-honouring marriage). But do I actually believe that? Do I at 6am, fighting a rebellious 2 year old, alone, for the 7th day in a row, seeing the whole day stretched out before me. Alone. Am I thinking about representing Jesus in selfless love, or am I resenting the unmet needs that fill my head?

If the Creator of all things reduced himself and humbled Himself so much, why can't I? If He didn't consider His needs, why should I? Why am I better than Him?
The Bible reminds me that I have His power to keep me godly. The choice is mine: I can, the question is: will I?

And then there is the issue of trust. Do I trust Him? The future is unknown and scary. What if the deterioration continues? What if we cannot do what we have planned to do? We both come from parents who have achieved so much for the Lord. They have touched so many people's lives. Could we be satisfied with a life that does not reflect our heritage? Will we end up just trying to survive? Do I trust the Lord? No I don't. Not always. I try to. I want to. But I so often give into fear.

But He always sustains me, like yesterday when he spoke to me in this passage from Isaiah 40:

'See, the Sovereign Lord comes with power, and his arm rules for him......

He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
or weighed the mountains on the scales
and the hills in a balance?
Who has understood the mind of the Lord,
or instructed him as his counsellor?

.....

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood since the earth was founded?
He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, and its people are like grasshoppers.'

"The Lord is still on His throne." That is what my dad always used to say to us. Whenever we heard bad news, or were saddened by something. Or often when referring to his own life long battle with illness. The Lord is still on His throne! All is not well in the Garratt household. But the Lord is still on His throne!