10 years later.......

It is when you are most vulnerable that lessons from a loving Father can penetrate deepest. I am learning some hard lessons. Important, liberating lessons. But hard nonetheless. It's been a hard few weeks and therefore silence on the blog. I have been dealing with a wide range of emotionally draining issues ranging from intense homesickness, the trials of raising small children (who were sick a lot) to dealing with old stubborn sin (mine and others) and the pain and bondage that comes from self worship. It is so the Lord. Once I am out of my comfort zone, completely and utterly vulnerable (i.e. trying to make a life in a foreign place that seems to be getting more foreign not less) - leaving my heart all squishy and open to being moulded, that is when He takes His divine hammer and smashes my idols. Idols always bite you in the end. They are anything and anyone that you try to get security and/or significance from apart from God. It always ends in pain.

But last month has also been a most blessed and exciting landmark. 10 years of marriage. Eleven months after seeing each other for the first time we were standing in the church, in front of 300 witnesses, saying 'I will.' And by God's grace alone we have. For 10 wonderful years.

1999, on one of our first dates. I was 19 and Daniel was 22.

Just a few months later, getting engaged!

A few months after that, married!

Daniel and I went to London for our wedding anniversary. I had every intention of taking loads of photos and blogging about the delights of London, because really, when I moved to this town of 12 000 people, with 2 restaurants, 1 cinema that shows one been-released-a-good-couple-of-months movie, and a main street that goes to bed when I do, at 9, I couldn't stop thinking about an exciting weekend in London. And exciting it was, too exciting to even document. We saw shows, ate out, stayed in a 5 star hotel, enjoyed each other so much, we ate from the sweet fruit of loving Jesus. When you love Jesus more than you love each other your love for each other grows to beyond your wildest dreams. We are SO IN LOVE.

Daniel strives with all his might, in God's strength, for godliness, purity, to lead me and the kids, to serve us and love us. He gives us all his time, he does not do his own thing for hours on end. He confesses his sin to me so I can help him and pray for him. He reads me the bible. He prays with me and for me. He apologises when he has hurt me. He looks me in the eyes when I talk, even at length, even when it is for hours, everyday for 3 weeks like recently. He hears and remembers everything I say to him. My biggest temptation is to make him an idol. When I do it all goes wrong. When I don't I enjoy him so much.

I love you my number 2!

I have learnt and grown so much over the last 10 years. The Lord has given me so many helpful truths to hang the reality and practice of our marriage on. Two of the most helpful resources I have come across recently are Mark Driscoll's sermons on Song of Songs, which can be found on his church website (Mars Hill Church). And Christoper Ash's book 'Married for God'. Together this input has been so liberating. It has in fact helped to transform my thinking on marriage. I am eager to share it with you. Here is a summary of what I took away from them.

What underlies it all is the fact that the whole of life is all about the gospel, and it can be applied to all areas of life, including marriage. The more I have understood the gospel the happier and more fulfilled I have been in my marriage.

Everything is created by God.
Just like there are physical laws in the universe, that are not invented by humans but are rather discovered (like gravity) so there are moral laws. Moral laws that exist in the fabric of life, whether we agree with them or not. Marriage is one of them. We do not need to define it, it is defined for us, given to us, created not by us but by the loving Creator. And so the way that marriage works best, the way it should be ordered and lived is all there for us to know. It is not a secret. It is not something that by chance a couple gets right, or needs to work out - resulting in a 'oh I hope my husband feels the same way, or thinks the same way 7 years down the line.' It is something that both husband and wife submit to, as a pre-existing moral order. And in that there is great freedom and liberation. Great security. The beginning of Genesis and Ephesians 5 are helpful passages for example. If you're interested, go and discover it yourself. It is wonderful!

We were created to serve God.
Marriage has a purpose, and it is not our own fulfilment. The married couple was originally created to work the garden. Now that we messed that up, it is to tell people about Jesus, the only one who can get us back into the second garden of Eden, Heaven, to continue with our created purpose. We are most happy when we are doing what we are created for. This service to God also includes us serving others in other ways than introducing them to Jesus. We are married to serve God by serving the other. So when I feel like I have spent myself serving Daniel and it seems to me he doesn't really deserve it that day I remember I am actually serving Jesus, not him, and Jesus died for me. He wins. I may be able to out serve Daniel, but I can never out serve Jesus. And therein lies the strength and motivation to keep serving the other in spite of feelings, their behaviour or circumstances. Jesus sees all things.

We are sinners.
How liberating it is to realise that you have married a sinner. We have married a selfish person. We have marred a sexual sinner. We have married someone with a natural tendency to destroy and reject goodness. This is what the bible teaches (Genesis 8:21, Psalm 51:5, 58:3, Ephesians 2:1-3, Romans 1 and 3:9-18, for example.) When we have the right expectations we can help our husbands to be godly in all areas, without being hurt or offended by his sin as if it is because of us that he sinned. It is because he is a sinner, that is why he sinned. This doctrine has also helped me from falling into the dangerous and toxic trap of self righteousness. Self righteousness leads to unforgiveness, gossip, pride and unloving anger. It is the belief that we are inherently more moral than the other, and can be the source of so much conflict in a marriage. We are all the same. We are all utterly depraved. But by the grace of God I go. Only Jesus can free us, and we will all only be free of sin completely in heaven.

Jesus is everything.
He is our first husband. He waits in heaven for the final and most grand wedding day of all time, the Last Day, when He will return and take up His bride, those who have submitted to Him here on earth, who will feast with him in perfect intimacy for all of eternity. And this is possible because of His work on the cross. How wonderful this doctrine is! How often I have run to my first husband when my earthly husband does not fulfil all my needs for security (because he is sinful) and significance (because he is in fact not God). How much Jesus fulfils me and satisfies me so that I am able to enjoy Daniel without the pressure of worshipping him, wanting him sinless or having him worship me. What liberation - to be in love with Jesus first. And the bible tells us that God passionately pursues us. With all the passion of a lover. He is perfectly faithful to us, perfectly committed to us, perfectly in love with us. All the things we long for in a partner!

So with Jesus as the perfect lover of my soul, my passionate and perfectly faithful husband, who never gets grumpy (even in the mornings!), and with Daniel - who is a godly husband - at my side, together we work to tell others - most importantly our children, and then all who will listen - about Jesus. What wonderful purpose. And I tell you what, sex in the service of God is the best sex of all! Secular statistics even back that up (not the made up ones in 'beauty' magazines, that Daniel calls ugly magazines because they are there to make you feel ugly and believe lies)!