A word to Christian wives: helping our husbands with sexual temptation

I am writing this to Christian wives who are married to Christian husbands. This is a tricky post to write. But it has to be written. Because there is too much silence in this area, and Christian wives need to be encouraged in this. My question to Christian wives is this: what are you doing to help your husband with sexual temptation? This can be all areas, but the area of sexual temptation that I have in mind is Internet Porn. This question would be important for wives of all ages, but I think it is particularly relevant in this day and age because our husbands face temptation at a level that is completely overwhelming. Their access to pornography has never been so easy or so private. And it is so normal. It just about comes with the computer. It is like their grandfathers having writing desks that came with a whole load of porn magazines in the top draw. Everyone knows they are there, it is normal for them to be there. And all he had to do was open the draw when he was alone. (And blocks don’t work, because new sites are always coming out.)

This is an area that we need to encourage each other in. It is socially unacceptable to talk about it. But then again when was Jesus concerned with socially acceptable shows? But before we battle this we have to start with a correct understanding of sin. It is so hard to keep the right focus on sin because we don’t like to think of ourselves like this. But the bible teaches that we are all completely and utterly sinful to our very core. (Eph 2, Ps 51:5, 58:3, Romans 7 for example) We should never be surprised at sin, we should be surprised when we or others don’t sin. Of course as Christians we are washed of all our sin, and are declared perfectly sinless, like Jesus. And if we do not grasp the extent of our sinfulness we will never be amazed at God’s grace and in love with Jesus. But although we are declared sinless we still have this enemy within, we still live with sin and although we can overcome it with the help of the Holy Spirit it is a battle and hard work and we need help. If we do not believe this we will most likely stay in bondage to our sin.

So it will help us to start with the realisation that our husbands will lust. We all have lust in our hearts. We are all sexual sinners. This doctrine is liberating because it moves the source of sin away from the object, and into the heart. The object in this case would be a naked woman. If we view the object as the cause of our husband’s sin then it is bound to cause hurt and insecurity and envy. Because we think it is the woman who caused our husbands to be lead astray, putting the power on her. But if we see that lust was in his heart already, waiting to devour him and that the woman just provided the opportunity for his sin to express itself then we can deal with it much more objectively, and then there is hope. Because Jesus has defeated the sin of lust on the cross and that power is at work within our husbands to change him. We can ask God for help and stop thinking it’s about us.

Men, being created highly visual, are vulnerable to pornography, and pornography is addictive and destructive . “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant. But he does not know that the dead are there, that her guests are in the depths of Sheol.” (Prov 9:17&18). So if this particular area of sin is not being discussed between a husband and wife it doesn’t mean it is not a problem for one or both of you, it means it is being ignored. (All surveys and Christian books on Porn, such as ‘Captured by a better vision’ by Tim Chester talk of the staggering prevalence of this particular sin amongst Christians and Christian leaders - just a thought, maybe the church is so silent because many leaders can’t even tell their wives of their struggles, how can they then tell others with the aim to expose it and get free?)

As wives we are called to be our husband’s helpmeet. That is we are called to help them, and they need our help in this area. They want our help more than anything, but most of them would not dare speak to their wives about this. So they walk the road alone.

Why? Why do we refuse to talk to our husbands about this? I have been faced with this issue recently. Daniel asked me if I could keep him accountable in the broad area of sexual temptation. By God’s grace he is a godly man pursing purity and I honour him for that. But he is also a sinner who is vulnerable to temptation and I am the only one here who can keep him accountable. He took a step of great strength to ask me. And I responded shamefully. I could not accept that my husband could in any way be tempted away from me. I made the whole thing about me, my body, my attractiveness, my relationship with him. I was completely subjective about it. I have since repented and we now enjoy open communication in this area, the result being much better resistance to temptation and a closeness between us that we have never had. There are many things that helped me (the most helpful being strengthening my belief in the doctrine of sin), and another was understanding him. In order to help our husbands we need to understand them. I thought I did, but I was mistaken. Once we understand them we can work on being a safe place for them to confess their sins, get healing from sins, and further protection from sin. It is a good sign when a Christian asks for help and when they battle against sin. It is not a sign of weakness. And we are in the best position to help them in this area. I used to think other Christian men should do that job. And they have for my husband before now. But they are not called to be his helpmeet. I am.

I am not an expert on this. But I want to guide you to a very helpful article I’ve read recently entitled ‘Equal yet so very different. Understanding a man’s sexuality and his inherent struggle’. It is written, for Christian wives, by an older, Christian wife who is godly and wise. Her aim is to help them understand their husbands in this area and give them guidelines to help their husbands. It is a long article, and very detailed and practical, with lots of research and statistics, but I highly recommend you read it through, if you are wanting more help in this area. You may not agree with every single thing written, but don’t pick it apart, just take from it the good advice and helpful information it offers.

Here is the link: http://www.cbmw.org/images/jbmw_pdf/11_2/equal_yet_very_different.pdf

Here’s a quote from it:

‘One counsellor to sexually addicted men emphasized to me that a wife cannot afford to stand by with an “I would rather not know” approach to this subject. He suggested that understanding a man’s natural needs is not enough. “Open the door and ask the right question,” he said. Rather than asking, “Are you struggling with porn or lust?“ ask, “What are you doing to keep from struggling with porn or lust?” ‘

I am writing this because it is so so important, and it is something I have learnt recently. I share everything I learn on this blog. Porn addiction can cripple a Christian, and the enemy wants nothing more than us wives to be so wrapped up in our own insecurities that we do not stand with our husbands, as God intended, to be their helpmeet in sexual purity. We need to pray that our primary motivation to do this is God’s honour in our husband’s life. If that is not our primary concern we will either not be motivated or motivated by the wrong things- such as wanting to be worshiped or wanting to control our husbands – which will just lead to further problems. God’s honour is so much more important than ours, or a good marriage or anything else. And when He is honoured we are because we are supernaturally linked to Him. His honour is the same as our good. Do it for His honour, and you will find all the strength and reward you need. I can testify to that. For 10 years I have gotten it so wrong because my motivation was my own self worship – I wanted to be worshipped by my husband. And I got nowhere, we had no communication in this area and we were both left very vulnerable to temptation. But since I have been helping him for the hallowing of God’s name in his life it has changed our lives in this area. (So if after reading this you ask your husband the hard questions out of anxiety that he is sinning without you knowing you will get nowhere. Anxiety is the wrong motivation. First take it to Jesus, and pray for the right heart.)

Furthermore, if our husbands are not able to speak to us about this, what is going to happen when our sons face this overwhelming temptation? If you and your husband are talking about it, and helping each other through it, have created a safe place with the result of him overcoming temptation, how much more will he be equipped to guide his son in this area? (And let’s face it, it is our husband who needs to help our sons with this, not us.) If his struggle in this area is a secret from you, fear of you and your reaction may stop him from being honest with his son.

I know this is long now, but I do want to end with a word to wives who are married to men who have given themselves over to lust either because they are not Christians or because they are immature Christians. They have done what God told us many would do, they have exchanged the truth for a lie (Romans 1) and so call this sin normal, refusing to repent. Well, the word for such wives is not from me – I don’t know what to say – but from God in 1 Peter 3:1 & 2

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives – when they see your respectful and pure conduct.”

Do what is right, and trust God for the rest. He is trustworthy. Although He does not promise to deliver us from the sins of our husbands, He does promise to equip us for whatever He takes us through (Psalm 23), and we must never lose sight of the end. It is a good ending for all who trust in Jesus. The end has no sin. The end is coming soon. The end is actually the beginning – the beginning of a sinless existence in heaven with God: the God of the bible who has identified Himself as our first husband.